It’s no secret that people all over the world are experiencing loneliness more than ever before. Unfortunately, expats are even more likely to experience loneliness as they have removed themselves from their existing network, however large or small that network might have been. If you are an expat in a country that is the opposite of your own in almost every way, you’re bound to experience some form of loneliness.
In fact, expats are probably more likely to experience all three kinds of loneliness: emotional, social, and existential. Emotional because you likely don’t have close friends or partners in the new country. Even if you moved over with a friend, partner, or family member, you will need more than one close relationship to sustain you for life. It can take time to establish a new social circle and it can be a lot more difficult with locals if you don’t speak the language. Existential loneliness can be experienced if you feel out of place in the larger society (or even world) that you found yourself in. Wouldn’t it be lovely if you stepped off the plane and just immediately felt at home and like you belonged? For most of us, that doesn’t happen. Luckily there are things you can do.
Adapt your small talk and expectations
A subtle but powerful cultural difference here in Taiwan is how we start a conversation or even a friendship. “How are you?” is not a standard way of greeting as it is in many English-speaking countries. In fact, you could easily go a week talking to several people without being asked that. For a lot of newcomers, this can be very disconcerting and exacerbate feelings of loneliness. Remind yourself that this is not personal – not at all! This is just how things are here. Instead, ask about their last meal. Some will ask “Have you eaten yet?” as a way to check on you. Discuss food, hobbies, weekend plans, etc. instead of relying on “How are you?” to start a conversation or a way to check in with someone.
Reach out and invite yourself
Another strange one might be introductions. I’ve often found myself in the middle of an interview, or even meeting, with people I haven’t met and that no one has introduced me to. Don’t wait on others, instead be more proactive. Introduce yourself, follow up on that person you exchanged details with, and ask others what they’re doing over the weekend, and if you can join. People are surprisingly open to it and often don’t think of inviting you because they assume you have your own plans. If inviting yourself feels too intrusive, then make plans and invite others. The point is, don’t wait for the invitation to the party. Instead, throw the party and invite others.
Embrace a bit of quiet
Being alone and possibly by yourself (if you live alone, too) is a blessing. Don’t fill every moment with podcasts, social media, music, and TV. Instead, let the quiet in. Start with 5 minutes of just sitting by yourself in the quiet with no stimulation. See what comes up. I’m not talking about meditation, that’s a different skill. For these 5 minutes, just see what comes up. Don’t act on it, just observe. After a few days, reflect on what thoughts came up more often. Try to extend it by a few minutes every couple of days and consider doing some journaling to keep track of your time and thoughts. You would be surprised how many emotions you’re trying to distract yourself from that actually aren’t all that serious. A few minutes of paying attention to the emotion could be enough to acknowledge, feel, process, and let go. It might take more than one session and it might require professional input if it’s more serious. But you’ll never know – and more importantly, it will never go away – if you just keep distracting yourself from it.
Learn the language and customs
I intentionally did not put this one first, because this takes time. And some might argue that you can never truly learn the language and all the customs and that you’ll always be slightly different. Regardless, it’s necessary to acknowledge the importance of this without thinking it’s the answer to all your problems. Many of us get by without speaking the language. While you are learning, a healthy respect for the local customs and your place in their society will go a long way.
Cultivate deeper relationships
When you’re feeling lonely or longing for the “good old days” back home when you were surrounded by people, you might want to consider how many of those people were “ride or die” friends. The one beautiful thing about expat life is that you get to make truly deep connections with others. At least, that has been my experience and many others have said the same. It does mean you have to put the work in, you have to show up, you have to be open and vulnerable. You can’t grab a cup of coffee with someone once a month, never talk about real things that you’re passionate about or that bother you, and expect to have a meaningful relationship. As you create a new life for yourself here, you will meet plenty of people. In time, you will know who are the ones you want to have a deeper relationship with. And those are the ones you’ll invest extra time and attention in. The rewards are plentiful!
Don’t stop
Unfortunately, expat life often means a revolving door of people coming in and out of your life. You might even be the one coming in and out of other people’s lives. You need to keep this in mind most of the time. Once you’ve built your network and have close friends, you can’t sit back and think you’re done. That network could be half the size in a few months and you might find yourself starting over again and again, even if you never left. It’s a good idea to keep trying to make new friends and keep growing your network. Try to connect your network to each other. Include the newcomer and the lifer in your weekend plans to make it easier for you to find time for everyone and help them to build their networks.
Even though you might be alone, you are never alone, alone. There’s someone else out there who is going through the same thing. Keep looking for and working on your community!
Short bio: Elene has lived in Taiwan for almost a decade and works as an editor, writer, and teacher. She also started a secondhand bookshop and does a bit of life coaching on the side. Get in touch with her via her website, New Page. www.newpage.life
Thank you Elene for writing on how to combat expat loneliness! To be a guest writer, please send your writings to social@isoemployme.com
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